Thursday, June 2, 2011

Holding pattern

Since the last time I posted I have actually gained weight.  This morning 204.4.

An hour of exercise daily.  Eating more healthy.  Counting calories.

I seriously don't know what else to do.

I reported my measurements last time and you'd think with all my time on the treadmill, the bike, the various machines and lifting weights (up to 15 pounds) that there would be a difference.  But in fact, I think I'm actually a bit bigger in areas.

The magazines have articles about how much weight you can walk off and I have a very hard time believing it.  On the treadmill I walk on incline and I walk fast--not at the same time.  I can actually walk at 4.5 MPH, but not for long periods of time.

Here is a note I posted on Facebook:  A Weighty Issue

I was a skinny kid....a really, really skinny kid.  I was a skinny teenager....a really, really skinny teenager.  My dad was skinny.  But the legacy on my mother's side was FAT.  My grandmother was fat, my mother was fat and I eventually became FAT, yes, very fat; in fact, obese.

When I got married I weighed around 140--not too bad, but 12 lbs. more than when I was 16.  As the years progressed I became more and more addicted to food, the overeating of it.  I have a picture of me when my oldest child was about 1 and I looked good.  I looked really good.  But I think being home all day led me to turn to food and over time the pounds came on. When my children were young I never set a limit on what they ate.  We had ice cream all the time in the house.  There were no restrictions as I recall.  But because of the cycle of ovrweight in my family and because I hated being fat so very much I did tell my daughter, "I don't want you to get fat like me."  Fortunately she never did.

I was in the 240s and 250s for over 20 years.  But when I went to the doctor and I was 260 that scared me to death.  So in 2001 I went on a diet and lost 80 lbs.  I was at 178 and I looked good.  I had gone 9 months without eating any sugar.  Unfortunately at my lowest weight we went on vacation and from the moment I put that first bite of cake into my mouth the pounds began to slowly creep back on.  Every 5 pounds I would tell myself, "That's it.  No more."  Then the next 5 pounds and the next and the next until I had regained 90 pounds.

In October of 2008 I joined Calorie King and since then I've lost 55-60 pounds.  Absolutely no one can tell me to lose weight or that I don't need to lose weight.  That decision rests solely in my hands.  My spouse can't tell me to lose weight, my friends, my one. It is my decision.  And unless a person has a true food eating disorder, the decision to lose 5 pounds or 50 pounds rests in YOUR hands.  I also believe my spouse can never tell me that I shouldn't lose any weight.

I don't want anyone to's only 5 pounds I've gained.  Because it is too easy to let that 5 turn into 10, 15, 20.  For me it turned into 90 pounds.

For the past 16 months I've struggled to get below 200 and stay there.  I exercise at least 6 hours a week.  I eat sensibly most of the time.  But 200 eludes me.  One thing I do know.   I will never, ever, ever, ever go back to 270.  According to my BMI I am still obese.  My children are adults now, but I still do not want them to ever be obese.

This is an extremely painful subject for me.  The jolly fat person is a myth.

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