Monday, June 27, 2011

Some days are harder than others

I am kind of a loner.  It isn't that I prefer being alone, but when I am it is hard for me to leave and go be with people.  I am not agoraphobic.  Guess I am afraid I'll be a bother, plus I don't have many close friends.  I have never developed a crafty side and I'm not good at any of them.  Knitting, sewing, crocheting, scrapbooking....

Today I just wanted to eat and eat and eat.  I didn't.  But I wanted to.

For my Monday weigh in I was up nearly 2 lbs. from Sunday so that bummed me out. From 201.6 to 203.4.  I did 65 min. of exercise, working my arms very hard.

And I have to keep exercising like this and eating like this for forever or I'll go back to 270 pounds.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

June 2011

I am reading an inspiring book of weight loss entitled "Half-Assed:  A Weight Loss Memoir."  The author, Jenette Fulda, decided that, as she neared 400 lbs., it was time to lose weight.  She didn't talk about, she didn't join any groups, she didn't count calories or carbs, she didn't even tell her family members.  She just decided to start eating in a more healthy manner and to begin exercising.  Her motto when asked was "move more, eat less."  That is what I've been saying as I've been on my weight loss journey since Oct. of 2008.

I haven't lost any weight in over a year, but due to exercising...not only cardio but also weights and weight machines, I am much stronger.  When I see pictures of my former body I am horrified that I let myself get that big and not truly realize how fat I was.  I still get discouraged because my belly is big.  BUT I have lost 7 inches of fat around my waist.  My arms sag (but so does just about every woman's on earth), but I think they are at least 3 inches smaller.

When I walk down an aisle at the grocery store it is not difficult to pass by the cookies, candy, chips or ice cream.  Those things do not have the pull they used to.  It doesn't mean that I never eat any of those things because I do.  But not very often.

Trying to lose weight doesn't mean you have to totally deprive yourself of everything you like.  I could have one piece of cake, but if I make a cake I will have 8, 9, 10 pieces of cake because I would help myself every time I passed the pan.  Well, almost every time.

There are certain things we choose to not have in the house all the time.  If something is a constant temptation, why even have it somewhere in your house?  If a person is trying to quit smoking would you keep a pack of cigarettes on the table?  I don't think so.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Holding pattern

Since the last time I posted I have actually gained weight.  This morning 204.4.

An hour of exercise daily.  Eating more healthy.  Counting calories.

I seriously don't know what else to do.

I reported my measurements last time and you'd think with all my time on the treadmill, the bike, the various machines and lifting weights (up to 15 pounds) that there would be a difference.  But in fact, I think I'm actually a bit bigger in areas.

The magazines have articles about how much weight you can walk off and I have a very hard time believing it.  On the treadmill I walk on incline and I walk fast--not at the same time.  I can actually walk at 4.5 MPH, but not for long periods of time.

Here is a note I posted on Facebook:  A Weighty Issue

I was a skinny kid....a really, really skinny kid.  I was a skinny teenager....a really, really skinny teenager.  My dad was skinny.  But the legacy on my mother's side was FAT.  My grandmother was fat, my mother was fat and I eventually became FAT, yes, very fat; in fact, obese.

When I got married I weighed around 140--not too bad, but 12 lbs. more than when I was 16.  As the years progressed I became more and more addicted to food, the overeating of it.  I have a picture of me when my oldest child was about 1 and I looked good.  I looked really good.  But I think being home all day led me to turn to food and over time the pounds came on. When my children were young I never set a limit on what they ate.  We had ice cream all the time in the house.  There were no restrictions as I recall.  But because of the cycle of ovrweight in my family and because I hated being fat so very much I did tell my daughter, "I don't want you to get fat like me."  Fortunately she never did.

I was in the 240s and 250s for over 20 years.  But when I went to the doctor and I was 260 that scared me to death.  So in 2001 I went on a diet and lost 80 lbs.  I was at 178 and I looked good.  I had gone 9 months without eating any sugar.  Unfortunately at my lowest weight we went on vacation and from the moment I put that first bite of cake into my mouth the pounds began to slowly creep back on.  Every 5 pounds I would tell myself, "That's it.  No more."  Then the next 5 pounds and the next and the next until I had regained 90 pounds.

In October of 2008 I joined Calorie King and since then I've lost 55-60 pounds.  Absolutely no one can tell me to lose weight or that I don't need to lose weight.  That decision rests solely in my hands.  My spouse can't tell me to lose weight, my friends, my one. It is my decision.  And unless a person has a true food eating disorder, the decision to lose 5 pounds or 50 pounds rests in YOUR hands.  I also believe my spouse can never tell me that I shouldn't lose any weight.

I don't want anyone to's only 5 pounds I've gained.  Because it is too easy to let that 5 turn into 10, 15, 20.  For me it turned into 90 pounds.

For the past 16 months I've struggled to get below 200 and stay there.  I exercise at least 6 hours a week.  I eat sensibly most of the time.  But 200 eludes me.  One thing I do know.   I will never, ever, ever, ever go back to 270.  According to my BMI I am still obese.  My children are adults now, but I still do not want them to ever be obese.

This is an extremely painful subject for me.  The jolly fat person is a myth.